Lord of the Rings: With Girls?
by JadeShadow
Summary: This has been playing around in my mind. A few choice members of the Fellowship have been slightly altered for humor purposes...


           "Hey, Frodo," said Rosie, "where are we going?"

           "Bree, Rosie, how many times?" the bored Ringbearer replied.

           "Oh." She was quiet for several moments as they traveled along through cornfields. Frodo savored the silence and began to relax right before she continued.

           "Frodo? Why don't you be a hobbit and carry some of the load."

           "I'm carrying the—you know—and it's very heavy," Frodo replied, annoyed.

           "Yes, well, I'm a delicate girl here, and my back can't stand the stress! Come on, just take the hairdryer, the curling iron, and the make-up bag—"

           "_Make-up bag_?" Frodo demanded incredulously. "Rosie, Gandalf said to travel _light_."

           "This is light," she replied innocently. "When my family goes on trips I usually bring three suitcases—and those are just for my accessories."

           "Good Eru!" Frodo said, throwing up his hands. "Why Gandalf thought you could be of some use to me I'll never know."

           "I can cook," she started. Two yelps interrupted her as two redheaded hobbits ran up and slammed into them.

           "Oof! Sorry!" said one, scrambling up. Meriadoc Brandybuck clutched an armful of vegetables to his chest.

           "Merry!" said the other urgently. Pennibrook Took held a half-eaten radish in one hand and seemed annoyed at being dragged into a failed scheme when she could have been at home painting her nails.

           "Penny!" Rosie exclaimed with delight. 

           Penny stopped rolling her eyes at Merry and grinned. "Rosie! Want to help us?"

           "How?"

           "Here, hold these." Merry shoved some of his load onto Frodo and Rosie.  "Now run."

           "Who're these from—?"

           "Run!" he repeated. The four hobbits ran down to a cliff overhanging the road, which they promptly fell off.

           "Oh, great," said Penny.  "Merry, if you would learn to use your head—"

           Frodo, who had stood and stared into the distance, suddenly interrupted, "Get off the road."

           "What is it?" asked Rosie.  "One of those big black things Gandalf was—"

           "Rosie!" Frodo exclaimed in a whisper, clamping a hand over her mouth and dragging her under some tree roots, seating her firmly between himself and Merry.  "Keep your mouth shut or you'll get us all killed."

           "Sorry—"

           The sound of hoofbeats silenced her.  A giant black horse stopped directly above their heads.  Penny stopped eating her radish and sat very still.  They listened to a queer sniffing noise that stopped to hover right above their heads.  Rosie glanced over at Frodo and nearly shrieked, but luckily diverted her energy into grabbing his hand to prevent him from putting on the Ring.  He looked over at her, surprised, and put the Ring back into the pocket under her watchful glare.       The sniffing stopped, but the small hobbits didn't move until the sound of hoofbeats had faded into the distance.  Rosie released her breath and her hand, realizing that she had grabbed Frodo's hand in fright.  She stared at her mutinous hand in disgust before wiping it on her pants leg.  Frodo missed this as he stood and stretched, peering worriedly down the road.

           "All right, Frodo," said Merry.  "What's going on?"

           "Well, see, that bad Sauron guy had this all-powerful Ring thing that he put all his power into but when it was taken away from him he lost his power so he wants it back and Frodo just happens to be in possession of it.  Remember Bilbo's Ring?  Well that's the Ring I'm talking about, that little gold one."  Rosie stopped for breath.

           Merry glanced at Frodo, who shrugged, for confirmation.  "What she said," the hobbit added.

           "Well, where are we going?" Penny interrupted.

           "Bree," said Frodo for the umpteenth time, sighing.  "Come on."

           The four hobbits started on their way when the sound of neighing made them still.  "Don't stop," Frodo urged suddenly, "run!"

           They started doing just that as one of the Black Riders burst out of the trees behind them.  Penny screamed and clutched at Merry, who resigned to carry her as he ran along.  Rosie, in her start, dropped her curling iron and bracelet bag as she started to run.  Frodo scrambled along without a backward glance.  "Make for the raft!"  

           The big Black Rider was joined by two others as it pursued the unarmed hobbits.  Branches scratched their arms but they continued to run.  Finally, they reached the makeshift dock where a small raft was tied.  Merry undid the knot, deposited Penny on the raft (where she sobbed uncontrollably), and grabbed poles to push the raft.  Rosie and Frodo jumped on at the last second.  Rosie collapsed against the raft while Merry and Frodo pushed with the poles in a frantic attempt to escape.  Luckily, their efforts paid off; they were too far out by the time the Black Riders reached the bank of the river.

           "Frodo, please tell me that's the last of them," Penny said when she managed to find her voice.  She was whiter than a sheet and the look of pure terror on her face had just begun to fade.

           "Nope!" said Rosie cheerfully as she regained her breath.  "They'll probably follow us the whole time!  My, am I out of shape!"

           Penny gave a faint moan and crumpled into Merry's arms.  Merry glared at Rosie, but Frodo broke in before they could argue.    
           "Where's the nearest crossing?"

           "Brandywine Bridge," Merry answered, still glaring.  "About ten meters from here."

           "Oh, wonderful," said Rosie.  "With those horses of theirs, they're going to beat us across."

           "Nah," said Merry.  "It's all swampy from the bank to the bridge. They'll probably have to walk their horses."

           "If they're capable of that," said Frodo quietly.

           Rosie stared at him for a moment.  "Riiiiight…"

***

           Luckily, Penny was revived before they reached the other side.  She still relied on Merry for support, although Rosie began to suspect it was all an act, but hey, who could blame her?  They reached the gate to Bree and, after much cajoling, were allowed inside.  They wandered around until Frodo spotted The Prancing Pony.

           "That's where Gandalf said to go," he told Merry, ignoring Rosie.

           "Ah, good," said Merry.  "A bit of brandy ought to warm her back up," he added, jerking his head at Penny, who was stepping hesitantly while pressing on his arm.  Rosie rolled her eyes and elbowed Penny, who smiled sweetly in return before glancing at Merry and nodding thoughtfully.  Rosie dipped her head in agreement.  Merry missed this exchange. 

           The four hobbits entered the tavern and sat down at a seat near the middle, close to the bar. Frodo and Rosie each ordered a small cup of brandy, and Penny took only a drop, but Merry went to the bar and returned holding a very large cup.  "_What_ is that?" Rosie demanded.

           "This, my cohort," said Merry proudly, "is a pint!  I figured I could share a bit with Penny—hey, where are you going?"

           Rosie had run to the bar and returned with two pints, one of which she handed to Frodo.  "Rosie!" said Penny faintly, shocked.  "That's not very ladylike!"

           "To heck with that," Rosie replied, before taking a very large swig out of her mug.  Merry shrugged and copied her.  Rosie, having never had more than a cup of wine in her whole life, was a bit tipsy after that.

           "Well, then," she said, blinking and coughing.  "Say, Frodo, who's your friend?"

           "What friend?" Frodo demanded.

           "The guy in the corner who's been staring at our table ever since we sat down!" Rosie said calmly, taking another, smaller, more cautious swig.

           Frodo turned around very slowly, and sure enough, a Man wearing a hooded cloak and smoking a pipe was sitting in the corner, watching the table very carefully.  Seeing Frodo watching him, he gave a very slow and deliberate puff on his pipe.

           "Rosie, why didn't you point him out earlier?"

           "I thought you knew he was watching you."

           "Have I looked behind me at all?"

           "No, but you always told me you had eyes on the back of your head."

           "I never told you that!"

           "You did too!  When we were little and I was annoying you or making faces at you and you told me you had eyes on the back of my head—"

           "Rosie—"

           "—and you could see exactly what I was doing!"

           "Don't tell me you still believe that!  Rosie!"

           "_I _don't, but you always talked like you believed it yourself, so—"

"Hey," Merry interrupted, before Frodo could come up with a decent excuse, "why don't you figure out just whom this guy is?"

"Bartender!" Frodo called, waving.  The man hurried over.  "Who's that?"

           "That's Strider, very queer Ranger type from the north.  I'd avoid him if I were you," the bartender said with a large wink.  He stumbled off to another table.

           Frodo turned back to his table and was shocked to see Penny at the bar with a pint in front of her.  Rosie was watching her as well, although her gaze wasn't as strong as Frodo's (Frodo hadn't touched his pint yet).  "She's never had anything to drink in her life," she said.

           "Oh, yah, Mr. Baggins, I know him," Penny said loudly.  Rosie winced, Merry closed his eyes, and Frodo scowled.  He stood up to go stop her when someone slammed into him from the front.  He fell over and (somehow) the Ring fell on his finger.

           All was oddly silent for a moment, as everyone stared at the place where Frodo had been (Rosie in horror, Merry in dismay, and Penny in total confusion).  Eventually someone made a comment, someone else laughed in reply, and everyone turned back to his or her drink.  Frodo reappeared and shakily put the Ring back in his pocket.  Penny came back and sat down, blinking bemusedly.  Before she could say anything else, however, the guy called Strider came over and grabbed all the hobbits' arm.  He dragged them to another inn and sat them down in front of the fire in one of the rooms.  Penny was no longer sober, and didn't get a good look at Strider when he took his hood off, but Rosie's eyes widened and she leaned back suddenly, until she realized she was leaning against Frodo, making her sit up swiftly again.

           "Why did you do that, Frodo, you idiot!" said Strider.  "I'm a friend of Gandalf's, and I've been waiting for him, but he's not here, and he's probably not going to be here for a very long time.  Therefore I'm going to take you to Rivendell."

           "Hold it, who said anything about Rivendell?" Merry demanded.

           "Why should we trust you?" Frodo added.  Rosie would have said something except that her breath had left her in a rush as soon as Strider had started speaking (besides, even if she had said something, it would have been along the lines of, "Do you have a girlfriend?").

           "Because you have no other choice," Strider replied impatiently.  "We'll stay here long enough for your friend to recover," here he glanced at the slumbering Penny, "and then we'll go."

           "All right, we'll follow you anywhere," said Rosie breathlessly, before Frodo or Merry could object.  Strider shrugged and went over to the window, watching The Prancing Pony and the trap he had laid for the Black Riders.  Merry and Frodo were glaring at Rosie, who turned away from them and left to change.  They dropped Penny into one of the beds without much ceremony and then each climbed into separate beds.  They blew out the lamp.

***

Interlude: Translation of the Nazgul's Screaming

Taking Place When the Nazgul are Foiled by Strider's Trap

Nazgul 1 (Jonathan): Jim!

Nazgul 3 (James): What?

Nazgul 2 (Christopher): These aren't the hobbits!

Nazgul 4 (Jean-Luc): As in they aren't the hobbits we're looking for?

Jonathan: No!

Jean-Luc: They're not the hobbits we're looking for?

Christopher: No! 

James: They are the hobbit's we're looking for?

Christopher and Jonathan: They're not real hobbits! They're just a bunch of feathers!

James: What?  No hobbit would ever be able to fool me with such a simple trick!

Jean-Luc: I think they just did.

James: WHAT?

Christopher: Now, now, James, as long as Sauron doesn't find out, we're all fine.

James: But they're probably halfway to Gondor by now!  We're doomed!

Jonathan: Don't cry, please don't!

James: WE'RE DOOMED!

Others: AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

***

           "What in the bloody name of the Void are those things?" said Rosie, having been disturbed from her beauty sleep by the shrieks and screams.

           "They are the Nazgul," said Strider.

           "Oh, okay," she said, and fell back asleep.

           The next day, after everyone was well rested and feeling fine (except for Penny, she had a hangover), they set out from Bree.  At first there had been some conflict between Rosie and Frodo when Frodo told Rosie that she had to leave everything but her pots, her pans, and two sets of clothes behind; however, this was resolved when Strider came over and agreed with Frodo, causing Rosie to drop everything unnecessary and smile nervously (much to Frodo's bemusement).  The smile was still there when they left; Strider led the way, while Frodo stayed in the back.  Rosie, after another long argument (this one with Penny), walked next to Strider while Penny continued to hang from Merry's arm. 

           "Penny," said Merry after a few minutes, "can't you walk by yourself?"

           "Maybe," she replied.

           "Why don't you try?"

           "Because this is a much more agreeable position."

           "Not for me!"

           "Oh, come one," said Penny, giving Merry her infamous puppy eyes.

           "No, no," he groaned.  "Not the puppy eyes!"

           "Oh, yes," she said softly.

           "Don't use that voice around me!  It makes me nervous."

           "Why?" she said in the same voice.

           "Give me a break, I'm barely out of my tweens!"

           "Oh, come on—"

           "Hurry up you two," Strider called without looking back.

           "Hey, where are we going?" Frodo asked.

           Rosie turned and walked backward.  "Some big tower place I forgot the name of."

           "Which would be…?"

           "What she said," said Strider.

           "What?  I thought you were some big old Ranger guy with these psychic powers!" Merry exclaimed, momentarily distracted.

           Strider thought.  "Well, I am old."

           "And big," Rosie added.

           "But I'm not psychic, like some of the Elves," he continued.

           Penny's eyes grew as wide as saucers.  "There are evil psychic Elves?" she shrieked.

           "HUSH," Strider thundered.  "Don't yell.  And no, there are no evil psychic Elves."

           "Darn," said Penny.

           "Why?" asked Rosie.

           "I was going to use it as an excuse to clutch Merry."

           "Oh.  Sorry that it didn't work."

           "Oh, yeah, easy for _you_ to say."

           Rosie glanced up at Strider and merely smiled.  Penny grumbled something under her breath.

           That night, Frodo woke up from his uneasy sleep only to see Penny and Rosie attempting to make something over a large bonfire while Merry laughed and encouraged them.

           "What the" *beep* "are you doing?" Frodo demanded.

           "I had a chocolate craving!" Penny said calmly.  "We're attempting to satisfy it."

           Frodo took a conveniently placed large bucket of water and attempted to put the fire out.  When he failed, Rosie informed him, "It's a gas fire.  You can't just put it out!"

           "Where did you get a gas fire?"

           "Well, there was the peddler, and—"

           "I'm sure this is all very interesting," said a bored voice from below them, "but the fact is, we've come to kill you, so if you'll just come and set yourselves at our mercy it would be very nice."

           All the hobbits heard, however, were more Nazgul screaming.  They scrambled up to the top of the ruined tower, where Strider tossed each of them a sword.  The four regrouped and stood in the middle of the area.  When the first Nazgul appeared, however, Penny screamed, dropped her sword, and clutched Merry, who was unable to shake her off himself.  *Beep* "it!" he swore.

           Rosie attempted to fight the Nazgul, but her sword was broken in an instant and she was forced into a retreat.  The Nazgul then broke Frodo's sword and stabbed him in the back.  Rosie screamed, and Merry looked over and yelled.  Penny gave a tiny moan and collapsed.  Leaving her, Rosie and Merry went over to Frodo.

           "Frodo, you can't die, I still need my pay!" Rosie muttered.

           Instead of replying, the hobbit disappeared.  "Holy" *beep! * Merry swore.  *Beep! *

           Instead of reprimanding him, Rosie started feeling the ground around them.  "He can't have gone far."

           Meanwhile, Strider was busy fending off the Nazgul.  Merry grabbed Penny's arms and dragged her over to where Rosie was blindly searching for Frodo.  She found him and shook the solid invisibility until he took the Ring off.  Rosie checked his pulse as he breathed in short, rapid wheezes.  Strider came over as soon as he finished driving back the Nazgul.  "What happened?"

           "That—thing—it stabbed him," Rosie said, holding up the hilt of the Nazgul sword, which Strider took and studied with a grim look on his face.  Merry concentrated his efforts on reviving Penny.

           "He's been stabbed by a Mordor blade; it will take more healing than I have," Strider said.  "Come, we must leave.  Leave everything behind, we can get more in Rivendell."

           Rosie nodded and helped Frodo to his feet.  Strider applied an herb to Frodo's back, which cleared the bleeding.  Rosie shuddered.  Merry woke Penny up and dragged her along behind them.  Frodo's condition gradually deteriorated as they ran for two days, stopping once to sleep and a few more times to eat.  Rosie felt more tired than she had ever been.  Penny's legs had long since given out, and Merry was compelled to carry her.  Frodo…got worse.  Rosie had to help him run.  Only Strider seemed active, pushing them to go as fast as they could.

           Finally, Rosie stopped and gently lowered Frodo to the ground.  "We can't go on like this," she said flatly.

           "We must," Strider said, equally flat.

           "There is no way.  Frodo cannot travel like this any more, if Merry has to keep carrying Penny he'll die, and I'm about to die as well."  Rosie looked down at the delirious figure on the ground beside her.  "He's gotten worse."

           "So I noticed," Strider said shortly, dropping down to study the victim.  He shook his head.  "He's slipping into the shadow world—there's an herb that might help."

           "What is it?"  Strider told her.  "That weed?  All right, I'm going."

           Strider left Frodo in Merry's care and went to find the weed.  He found some and bent down to get it with his knife, when a long, shiny sword touched his throat.  Rosie, who was coming back with the plant, stifled a scream as she screeched to a stop.  Strider stiffened, obviously prepared to die.

           "Well, well, well," said the figure, slender and dangerous.  "What have we here?  A Ranger, caught off his guard?"

           Strider relaxed when he heard the voice, and stood, proving himself to be about as tall as the being.  "A Ranger is never off his guard.  I knew you were there."

           The figure seemed amused.  "Really?  You seemed about as aware as your Halfling here."

           Rosie blushed.  "Hobbit, please.  Who are you?"   

           "Hobbit is not the name we would have given you," the individual said calmly, "and I am the Lady Arwen, at your service."  She curtsied. 

           To this Strider snorted and said something, probably uncouth.  Arwen gave him a sharp glance, then smiled as Rosie curtsied in reply.  "Lady," said Rosie, "what are you here for?"

           Arwen turned to Strider as she answered Rosie's question.  "I've been looking for you.  My father—"

           "Actually let you come look for _me_?" Strider interjected, earning another sharp look.

           "—Is worried about you.  You have four Nazgul on your trail; I don't know where the other five are."

           "Can you help Frodo?" Merry demanded.  As Arwen had spoke, the trio had gone back to check on them.

           "No," Arwen answered.  "My father can, however.  I will take him to Rivendell."

           "No, you stay and help the Halflings," Strider countered.

           Arwen gave him a regal look, which he returned.  "I am the better rider, and we both know it.  Hurry and join us."  Gently she laid Frodo on her horse, then hopped up behind him.  With a whispered word to her steed, she was off.

           Strider watched her go.  "I will," he said softly.  He turned back to the hobbits and found them staring at him: Merry knowingly, Penny tiredly, and Rosie regretfully.  "What?"

           Merry shook his head, still smiling, and slung the small medical bag over his shoulder.  "Come on, let's catch up."

***


End file.
